February 7, 2014

Lost For Words

So, I know I have been absent the past week or so and there is a explanation for it. It's a sad one and I was contemplating whether I should write about it or not but I thought maybe writing about it will be like a therapy session. 

I lost my Oma (Grandma is Dutch). 

This is one of the hardest things for me to write about because she was pretty much like my second mother. Don't get me wrong, my mom was an amazing mother but she did work at my dad's company so after school, every day, back when I still lived in Jakarta, I used to go to my Oma's house every day. 

She was the kindest, gentlest, sweetest and selfless person I've ever met and now she's gone. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about a year and a half ago and I know that's a shitty cancer to have (not saying that any other cancers aren't bad, but the survival rate for pancreatic cancer is pretty abysmal) but nothing could ever prepare me for this loss. She was so brave and she fought so hard and as much as it was difficult for me to watch someone I love so much go through the pain and suffering that she went through, I don't know what it would've been like for her. I know I was lucky to even have more than a few months with her because when she was diagnosed, she was already on Stage 4 but I always had hope for her, I always prayed that she'd get better and that miraculously, one day soon, something would help her and cure her. 

Now that she's gone, I regret so many things, I regret not spending enough time with her, I regret not talking to her more, I regret not telling her I love you when she could hear me, I regret not telling her how much of an inspiration she is and how much she's shaped me to be the person that I am today. She taught me to be kind, she taught me to be positive, to never say anything negative because that would just attract negative energy and even as she has passed, she's still taught me another lesson. Never take the people you love for granted because when they're gone, you'll wish so hard on everything you have to just see them one more time. It's the most cliche thing in the world but it's true. 

It was so hard for me to go see her towards the end of her life because I hate seeing people in pain, it stresses me out, even in movies, when there's a fight scene, I get stressed out but that shouldn't have stopped me from seeing her every chance that I could. I should've been able to manage that, just so I can be next to her, to accompany her through this hard time. Don't get me wrong, I see her once every 2 days at least but there were days when I didn't wake up early or days that I couldn't be bothered to leave the house and if I could take those days back, I would. I would give anything to spend more time with her and now I can't because she's gone. 

I really need to stop rambling now so I am going to stop. I surprisingly do feel a little bit better after writing all this and I really did want you all to know why I have been absent and not saying hello on your blogs, the past week. I promise to be back with more positive things in the next few days :) 

Thank you all for listening though! :)



  1. hon! i'm so sorry to hear this news.. but hopefully it means she's out of pain/misery.. she sounds like an amazing woman so kind and loving. that picture of you guys is soo so cute!! honestly you sounded like an amazing granddaughter to her seeing her every 2 days or so!! i know she knew that you loved her so very much.

    my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. This is quite a sensitive topic for me and well, just about everyone.
    I cried reading this.
    I had a friend with pancreatic cancer; let's just say I've experienced your position before. Your grandma was an extraordinary woman, may she find peace.

    If you ever want to ramble or talk, just letting you know that I'd love this listen. <3 We're here for you.

  3. Sorry for your lost dear :)
    may she find peace :)
    btw your picture is so cute


  4. Your post was moving. Thank you for writing about your pain--I am sure it was very difficult. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Oma was lucky to have you, too--it sounds like her memory will always be kept alive by you.


  5. I'm sorry for your lost! It'll be a tough couple of years but I do promise with time, things do get better. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayer!


  6. Awww Phoebe. I am so sorry to hear about your Oma passing away :( I wish I could give you a big hug, I really do.
    Your words were very touching and inspiring to appreciate living in the moment and not take our loved ones for granted. It is tremendously difficult in an emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting way to see a loved one struggle in health. I understand the mixed emotions you feel. I really hope you find some solace and cherish all the beautiful memories you have with her.